Saying Goodbye To Guilt
by leoslady4ever
Summary: Story written based on manga chapter 384. SPOILER ALERT! Don't read this if you haven't read the latest FT chapter yet. Lucy deals with the fallout of the war with Demons


_This is based off today's FT chapter. I read it amidst tears and smiles, and suddenly this idea was there. If you haven't read chapter 384, then don't sneak a peek here. _

_SPOILER ALERT!_

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**_Hiro Mashima_**_ owns Fairy Tail._

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**SAYING GOODBYE TO GUILT**

The war was over, the demons all defeated and sent back to where they'd come from, and though Lucy was happy about that, she found herself distancing herself from her guild. It wasn't that she didn't want to be near them. It was simply that they didn't know what she was going through.

She had destroyed Aquarius' key to summon the Spirit King. She'd done it save her friends, and she didn't regret that. But she had struggled with her guilt since losing one of her oldest friends. She knew Aquarius bore her no ill will for it, well no more than usual, but it still clawed at her. And she had told no one of her sacrifice, no one but Master Makarov.

He had known the moment he'd see the Spirit King that something major had happened. He may have been a partying pervert most of the time, but the man was far too observant for comfort at times.

Lucy had refused to tell her guild mates what she'd given up to save them. She didn't want them mistakenly living with guilt because of it. It had been her choice, and she alone would shoulder the burden.

But lately, that had left her feeling lost, her tether to her normal life stretching until she was certain it would never go back the way it had been. Nothing felt the same anymore because not only had she lost Aquarius, but she had used one of her dear Celestial Spirits in a way that she had never done before. She didn't hide behind them, and she didn't sacrifice them for other people like herself. And now she had.

How did she live with that? What sort of Celestial Spirit mage was she to do such a thing?

Her conscience clawed at her, denying her rest of any kind, refusing her any manner of happiness at her friends' rescue. She had saved them all, and yet she could find no pride in the fact. Because it was all wrong.

As week gone by, and she was still just as torn as she been the day it happened. She was stuck in that loop that never ended – grateful that her guildmates were safe, sadness at losing Aquarius, shame that she'd been thankful Aquarius had offered her own key, and guilt that she'd broken her cardinal rule about her Spirit friends.

She felt as if she'd never be free of it all, that she'd never laugh again, never smile at the silly antics of her team.

She glanced around as the first hot tear slid down her cheek and realized that she'd somehow ended up in the park. Thankfully, the place was empty, and she found herself slumping down beside a tree and sobbing her eyes out.

She wished her mother was here. How she longed to feel those loving arms around her now, but would she be disappointed in her? Loke said no, had all but begged her to let her guilt go. She hadn't needed to tell him how she felt. The playful spirit had known her long enough to understand how she thought and had argued with her about it ever since.

He'd brought news from Aquarius, a message short and sweet telling her to shut up and get over it. Oh yes, and to find a boyfriend before she turned into an old maid. It had been one of the only times she'd cracked a smile since losing her key.

Now though, she just needed to sit here and let all those feelings out. She'd tried to hard to keep everything inside her, to hide her sadness in front of her friends, but she just couldn't do that today. She just wasn't strong enough.

With that thought, a fresh bout of tears poured forth, and she wrapped her arms about her knees and let it come. She had to find a way to get it together because it wouldn't take Natsu long to figure things out. He may be silly and a bit dense at times, but he was smart and had no qualms about breaking through her privacy when he thought something was wrong.

She gave a shudder as her tears calmed, and then sat up, only to find a pair of bright red eyes studying her wrecked form. "Gajeel..."

"Oi, what's wrong with you?"

"Oh...I-I'm fine," she stuttered, rising to her feet and edging toward the entrance to the park. She couldn't believe she'd gotten caught like this, and by a guild member no less. "I've gotta go."

But his hand shot out, keeping her from retreating. "You're not fine. You haven't been fine since we got back from fighting the demons."

At the mention of their latest war, Lucy flinched, her body going stock still as if she was trying to fade into the background. Gajeel considered her for a moment, his eyes going narrow with suspicion. "Something more happened that day than you let one..."

His suggestion sent a chill down her spine. Here was another one that saw too much, that read people too well. How was she going to get out of this? She couldn't let them find out what their salvation had cost her. They shouldn't have to feel the sting of regret for something they couldn't have controlled anyway.

She tugged at his grip, wanting nothing more than to get away, but Gajeel was having none of it. "Tell me what happened," he demanded.

His tone was soft, but she couldn't mistake the command in his words. He wasn't going to let her slip away or hide from this conversation. But maybe he wouldn't notice a slight misdirection. "I just felt guilty that it took me so long to help you all."

Once more his eyes narrowed, his brow furrowing with annoyance. "You're lying. You do feel guilty about something, but it's not that. So what is it? What do you have to feel guilty for?"

Apparently, skirting the truth wasn't going to work...damn his dragon slaying senses. She took a deep breath and shook her head. "I don't want to talk about it."

"I don't give a shit. You've been acting weird for a week now. It's obvious that it's bothering you, so spill it."

A tear slipped down her face unbidden, and it was like it opened the flood gates that seemed to always be barely holding it all back. Suddenly, she found herself sobbing, the words tumbling out amidst sniffs and cries. "I lost a key...no I gave her up... I broke her key to save you all..."

Gajeel was silent for a moment, then he asked, "You gave up a key for us?"

"It was...the only way. She told me...to break hers, and I did it..." she wailed. It was like all those words were aching to come out and they tumbled forth like stones falling down a mountain. There was no stopping them now, and she wasn't sure how she felt about that.

"If she told you to, then why do you feel so guilty about it?" he asked, lifting a hand as if to touch her face, then dropping it just as fast.

Lucy shook her head violently. "You don't understand! I used her like I swore I'd never use any of my Spirits! I sacrificed her to save all of you. It's like saying that all of you were more important to me than her, that humans matter more than Spirits!"

A low growl eased from Gajeel's mouth at her shout. "None of us believe that shit. You don't even believe that shit. We all know how much you care about your keys."

"She was my friend..." she sniffed again, her eyes pouring out her sadness.

"Yeah, and what you're doing now is pretty damn shitty to her. Don't you think?"

She stilled at his accusation. "What do you mean?"

"I mean you sitting around here feeling guilty. You're taking what she offered willingly and making it about you. She did that to save you, to save us all, and you're turning it into something bad." Gajeel grunted.

"I...I'm never going to see her again, Gajeel."

Her tearful explanation brought a frown to his face, and he gave a roll of his eyes as he tugged her forward into his arms. "Then be sad about that. Don't beat yourself up about something she chose to do."

Lucy stood there in his warm embrace and let herself cry for her friend. She let herself do as he'd instructed and be sad at her loss without having it tainted with regret. And all though her soft sobs, Gajeel held her, offering her a shoulder to cry on and a measure of comfort he hadn't known he was capable of.

It was a turning point for Lucy, a way back from the darkness that had swallowed her whole for a while, and she wrapped her arms around a man she hadn't known she cared so much about. The future felt brighter somehow, and though nothing had really changed, maybe she had.

She was letting go of all the negative emotions that had sent her mind reeling, and she was moving on. She would still miss Aquarius, but Loke would keep her updated and pass along messages that would certainly entail the water woman's constant needling about Lucy's love life. And she would have Gajeel.

She didn't know how she knew that to be true, but there was a certainty inside her about him. And she wasn't going to question it. He had been there for her during one of the hardest times in her life, and she wouldn't soon forget it.

Something between them had changed in that one conversation, and looking up, she could see that he felt the same way. It was ironic really that losing one friend had gained her another, possibly even gained her something more, and she wasn't going to let herself feel guilty about it.

Life had to move on, and she wanted to move on with it, with Gajeel.

With that thought, she dropped her hand down to his and threaded their fingers together. She smiled when his calloused hand tightened around hers, and she looked back up at him and whispered, "Thank you..."

"Anytime, Bunny Girl."


End file.
